Crackalackin'
by Fishcake17
Summary: A collaboration of one shot, raunchy, crack stories stinking of repressed, teenage, male sexual hormones. Oh yes.
1. Naruto, Konan and The Akatsuki

_**Crackalakin' - Naruto, Konan and Everyone Else**_

"Naruto," Konan warned with a harsh tone, "How many times have I told you not to get into the secret Akatsuki ramen stores?" Naruto looked back sheepishly, lightly giggling, but not answering. "Those are very important for our funding in Akatsuki, you know."

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Naruto replied, hopping down from the very top shelf where Konan had hidden the ramen, "I know, I know, it's good profit and all, but one couldn't hurt, ri-"

Before he even finished, Konan slapped a paper across his face and kept it firmly there.

"One more word out of you…" Konan started, dead serious. Then her facial expression completely changed, she gave a flicker of a grin and finished, "…and you'll have my piercings to deal with. Scratching all up and down, hurting you severely every time." She put her fingernails on the chalkboard nearby, used years ago as a planning board for early Akatsuki. "Up…down…up…down…" Each time she spoke, she scratched her fingernails on the board in the said direction.

Naruto's eyes widened in sheer terror. He knew what was coming.

* * *

Nagato was in his chamber, just kinda sitting there, not really doing anything. He couldn't really do anything due to the fact that he was a little stationary where he was, multiple chakra blades to his back and having to use a mechanical walker. He really didn't move around much. But hey, that's what his other six paths were for.

Suddenly, Zetsu appeared from the ground. Nagato thought he knew what was coming, but he didn't want to say in case he was wrong.

"Leader," Zetsu started, "I thought you should know that-"

Before he could even finish, all the way across the base, they both heard Naruto screaming bloody murder.

"…that Konan's at him again…ehh…" finished Zetsu.

"Nice…warning…" Nagato said sarcastically, "Damn, this is the 9th time this week! Does she really have that much of a…a…" Nagato was, surprisingly enough, still somewhat 'shy' in the subject of sexual things. "Does she really have that much of a drive!" he finished incredulously.

"Well…" Zetsu started, "She's in her thirties, which is said to be the woman's…eherm…'sexual peak'."

"Her hormones changed, so she wants to now probably fuck everything in sight," Zetsu's Black Half added, "But why Naruto?"

Ahh, Naruto. It was so easy to lure him into Akatsuki. All they had to do was promise him a lifetime supply of ramen, and he was in, Who would have known that he would betray his comrades so easily? Surprisingly enough, he lived after the Bijuu Extraction, so Akatsuki, not wanting to give him up to Konoha, just kind of kept him around. Also, Madara has something to do with it too, something like promising that Uchiha Sasuke would come back. Probably a lie.

As another of Naruto's bloodcurtling screams echoed throughout the entire base, Zetsu and Nagato both found themselves hopelessly sighing.

* * *

Deidera was working on his newest art sculpture when he heard Naruto's screams of agony. "Dammit again, why is that kid even here?" he muttered. Then he yelled, "HEY! KEEP IT DOWN! YOU'RE DISRUPTING MY ARTISTIC ABILITY!"

* * *

Hidan was impaled on the ground for one of his Jashin ceremonies when Naruto's screams of bloody murder reached his ears.  
"Damn…" Hidan muttered, "Konan must be at it again. Sounds like he's having a lot of fuckin' fun, literally." Then an idea hit him, "Hah, I should go see for myself how things are panning out."

* * *

When the screams reached Sasori, he barely reacted. Just a bat-of-the-eye out of annoyance. But still…

* * *

Kakuzu was taking a shower as he heard Naruto's scream. "Looks like I'll need to take a look at his genitles again…" Kakuzu said to himself. He then prepared his thread and started walking in the direction of the screams.

* * *

Itachi and Kisame were playing Mortal Kombat in the basement of the lair when Naruto's ridiculous screeching pierced through their ears, startling Kisame and making him lose.

Kisame looked up, saying, "What in the hell is that!"

Itachi sighed and said, "The whore's at it again I suppose."

Kisame turned to Itachi and said, "Hey, weren't you trying to get with her at one time? I can't remember when, but it seems li-"

Itachi's glare of death silenced Kisame on the subject forever.

"Let's just make sure she's not killing him." Itachi said as he finished his brutality combo in the video game.

* * *

Sasori was first to the door where Naruto was getting – aherm – "done", but not five seconds afterwards Deidera followed, then Hidan and Kakuzu, then Zetsu, then Itachi and Kisame, and soon enough all of them had gathered around the room trying to figure out what the hell to do. They were all in a cluster of awkwardness when all of a sudden, Naruto shouted, "OOOHHHH MYYYY GODDD IT HURTS SO GOOODDDD!"

Everyone was silenced by this horned remark.

"Alright that's it, I'm gonna blow this friggin door apart! Hn!" Deidera declared, but before he could even form a ball of clay, Hidan stopped him. "What, you want in or something?" he asked Hidan incredulously.

"…maybe." Hidan said quickly, and at this everyone in unison muttered or said something along the lines of "Ohhh, that's sick! Nasty!"

"Hey, don't judge me!" Hidan exclaimed, "Fuck, you kidding? She's the only girl in this damn organization! Don't tell me all of you haven't at least _thought _of tappin' that at least _once!_"

Again, everything except for Naruto's constant yelping was silenced. Everyone there had pretty much become accustom to the noises in the bedroom, reacting as they would a passing car while they walked down the sidewalk.

"Meh," Kakuzu said, breaking the silence, "I'll admit I went through my phase with her, but that was a while back."

"Oh right, before you got your dick cut off and you had to sew it back on." Hidan joked. Kakuzu gave him the death glare of a lifetime. "Well hey, at least you've got the balls to fess up to it, unlike these other pussies here!" he remarked towards the others.

"Well," Kisame said, "Itachi once-"

"Do NOT make me use Tsukiyomi on you." Itachi sneered.

"-I'll be good."

"How about we just-" Zetsu started to say, before he was interrupted by Naruto yelling "OH CRAP I'M COMING! BELIEVE IT!"

Everyone in unison, upon hearing Naruto's catch phrase, said, "uuuughhhh…"

For a few minutes it was silent. Again, Kakuzu broke the silence, saying, "Well, I'd better go see how his dick is. Assuming he still has one."

"Hehe, he probably doesn't!" Tobi remarked, appearing behind the crowd. "You think Pain has piercings? Ooohohohoooomigawd, you have no idea!"


	2. The Schlicking

_**Crackalakin' 2**_

_**"This could quite possibly be the most randomly sexual piece of literature you will ever read, without anything truly sexually detailed occurring within the chapter itself."**_

**-Hamlet, after reading _The Schlicking_**

_**The Schlicking**_

Kakuzu opened the door to Hidan's room. "We're leaving to go on the mission Pein-sama assigned us now, remember?" Kakuzu took a closer look at Hidan, whom was sitting at his computer looking at some naked blue-haired chick. "Stop schlicking and get ready."

"Bastard," Hidan started, "Only chick's schlick. Which means that you probably do."

Kakuzu just grunted. "Whatever. Just get ready. Shannon's coming with us too."

Hidan clicked his computer monitor off, put away his proverbial scythe, and got dressed. "Shannon? You mean Kisame's chick?"

"The same." Kakuzu simply stated.

"Ohoho boy, this oughta be interesting." Hidan said rather loudly.

"Don't get any ideas. Kisame'll eff you up."

"You kiddin'? That's bullshit! I only wish he could 'eff me up'!"

"Just hurry up, Hidan. She's really not very patient. It'd be bad business to keep her waiting."

~!#$%^&(_

Shannon was waiting inside the entrance to the Akatsuki hideout, impatiently pacing around. _When are those two idiots going to get their asses over here already! It's been half an hour!_ She looked and spotted Hidan and Kakuzu emerging from the depths of the hideout. "THERE you are! Finally, about friggin time!"

"Hey, sorry man," Hidan started matter-of-factly, "If I'm interrupted like that, Jashin knows how long it takes me to get really moving around." They walked outside and started to head for their mission destination.

"What were you interrupted from, exactly?" Shannon asked.

Hidan opened his mouth to say something, but Kakuzu interrupted with one simple slang: "Schlicking." Hidan made a comical 'wtf face' and Shannon could have sworn she sensed Kakuzu cracking the slightest hint of a smile. "Some blue haired chick is what I caught sight of."

"I'll say the shit again," Hidan said, "Only chick's schlick, which means you probably do."

"Does Kakuzu even have a gender?" Shannon asked in a sarcastic tone.

Everyone just sorta stopped walking for a minute, and looked at each other. After a brief exchange of awkward-silence-glances, Hidan and Shannon looked at Kakuzu quizzically for a while.

"Would either of you like to find out?" Kakuzu asked bluntly. Hidan and Shannon fiercely shook their heads. "Didn't think so." They proceeded walking.

"Remind me where the hell we're going?" Hidan asked.

"We're grabbing the Two-Tails." Kakuzu replied

"Grabbing her…where?"

"If you're referring to her boobs, there isn't much to grab."

"Shit." Hidan said disdainfully.

"By the way," Shannon started, "Blue hair?"

"The fuck?" Hidan said.

"Blue. Hair. The girl you were schlicking to?" Shannon said.

"Dammit! YOU schlick, not me!" Hidan yelled comically

"Whatever, whatever." Shannon brushed off.

"But yeah, she's actually really cute, this blue haired chick," Hidan started, "Pretty popular in the hentai world. She's from a clan in your home village, Shannon…uhh…Konohagakure was it?"

Shannon nodded for a few moments until it hit her. "Wait…blue hair…clan from Konoha…what-no way, NO WAY she could be doing stuff like that."

"Hyuga clan I think. Something like…uhh…Hinama…Hitoma…uhh-"

"HINATA F*CKING HYUGA IS MAKING PORN!" Shannon yelled at the top of her lungs.

Miles away, the author died of severe blood loss through the nose.

"Hey that's her name! Hinata!" Hidan snapped his fingers in remembrance. Kakuzu and Shannon just looked at him; Kakuzu shaking his head, Shannon with her mouth open as wide as a plow truck.

"What's your problems, dumbasses?" Hidan asked.


End file.
